“It had been a struggle. Not a struggle to maintain abstinence, but a struggle to maintain the lifestyle that addiction warrants.”

I don’t know how it happened, it just did. Addiction has a way of sneaking up on an individual. As for me, I didn’t even see it coming. I began some years ago, as a teenager, smoking marijuana. Just hanging out with the “fellas” and having fun, wild days and party nights. That’s what life was all about. Marijuana seemed so “innocent’ to me. It made me happy when I was sad; it made me laugh. It enhanced the sound of music — you know, “head” music, like Jimi Hendrix and Black Sabbath. But little did I realize what was in store.

As a young adult, marijuana was my friend and companion. While I did experiment with other drugs, such as PCP and heroin, these drugs weren’t what caused my downfall, they just helped to set it up. Addiction crept up on me and I found myself cheating on my best friend, marijuana. I started indulging in cocaine, and found myself with two “lovers.” As I struggled to determine which was better, which one made me feel good, which one took me to the highest mountain, I succumbed to both. The spiral kept going downward and the progression grew worse, and eventually, I found myself in a revolving circle of emptiness and pain. My family said that I looked like a drug addict. How dare they insult my intelligence — me, the son of a school teacher and an Air Force officer? How dare they accuse me of being something I wasn’t. I wasn’t a drug addict; I had a “lifestyle.” I then turned to a new companion, one that I thought would ease the emptiness and pain.

My new companion was “crack.” Some people call it crack/cocaine but whatever you chose to call it, marijuana and powder cocaine became my “exes.” I had a new friend, a new partner, a new “lover.” I could seek out my friend on any street corner, on any dark stairwell, in any back alley. This was great, I could find my new friend whenever I needed. We slept in abandoned homes and rescue missions, and even spent some nights in jail. I was there for my friend and my new friend was there for me. You see, I was my friend and my friend was me.

I was “crack.” I had a “lifestyle” with my friend called “crack.” My “friend” was my lifestyle and my lifestyle was my “friend.” For years, I struggled trying to maintain this “lifestyle.” Yes, “lifestyle.” It sounds so distinguished, doesn’t it? The word “lifestyle’ sounds like royalty.  It sounds like the “rich and famous.” But, I had to maintain this “lifestyle” of lying to employers about why I was late for work or why I couldn’t even show up to work; of putting on a “front” for my family; of cheating people; of hurting those I loved; of stealing just so I could support my “friend.” It had been a struggle — not a struggle to maintain abstinence, but a struggle to maintain the “lifestyle” that addiction warrants. But something strange happened in this relationship, too.

I had always thought that friends, companions and partners are supposed to be there when you need them, through thick and thin. This was the false perception I had about my friend, my companion. This is the false perception about addiction. You are blind until you see.

The path to recovery

One day I ended up at a Christian Alcohol and Drug Program called My Brother’s Keeper located in Camden, N.J., and then on to the Teen Challenge Training Center located in Rehrersburg, Penn. It was there that I found the answer to my problem — I needed a relationship, but not with a drug. I needed a relationship with Jesus Christ. This relationship was different. This relationship was pure; it didn’t lie to me, and it filled a void in my life that had been missing throughout my life and addiction. Only after I “admitted my powerlessness” was I able to surrender totally.

I’ve learned some important things throughout and after my addiction.  Looking back, I understand why my family said that I looked like a drug addict. Even though I looked in the mirror and saw my face, I really couldn’t see it; I could only see a reflection of my face. I couldn’t see me. So how could I really say I didn’t look like a drug addict? After getting “clean and sober”, I went back to college and obtained a Bachelors degree and a Masters degree, and I am currently a doctoral candidate at Capella University.

I’ve been blessed to work in various treatment modalities such as residential, intensive outpatient and outpatient treatment. I’ve worked in methadone maintenance clinics, the prison system, homeless shelters and behavioral health. It’s my time to GIVE BACK. I can now give back to those who can benefit from my experiences; give back to those in need; to those who struggle with addiction; to those whose self-worth and self-esteem have eroded the fabric of their lives. There are three things, among many more, that I’ve learned throughout my drug addiction and after. First, the key to initiating sobriety is surrender. Second, the key to maintaining sobriety is motivation. Third, the key to helping others is learning — learning from your experiences.

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